Sailee turned 2 in July 2012. I believe that is where I left off. We made the decision last summer that after two glorious years of being nurtured in my mother's cozy cocoon, we would take the leap and enroll her in part-time preschool 3 days a week, and mom would still keep her at home for the other 2 days. We were so incredibly fortunate to find the childcare center with the teacher that surely was sent by heaven for Sailee herself for her very first experience away from home. Ms. A treated Sailee as if she were her own, and was everything we needed to feel good about this exciting new adventure. Sailee's transition went without a hitch, and our shy girl said "bye bye Mommy!" to me each day that I dropped her off and confidently went about finishing her bowl of cereal as I walked out the door. We were lucky to find a place that has internet viewing. I obsessively watched Sailee as she threw away her own plate, got up on a stool and washed and dried her own hands, played with friends and comforted others who were crying, and dealt with new and unexpected things. I sat there, most days, mouth agape. Each day I could watch her making connections, communicating more, building confidence, finding herself and her identity outside of my arms, thriving. And each day she would safely and happily return to me, unable to fully communicate all the day's excitement but nevertheless trying as hard as her little brain could. I could just see the little engine in her mind racing faster than her mouth could keep up. School is such a wonderful thing for children and I believe was the perfect step for Sailee at that time in her little life.
Here is a picture of Sailee on her first day of school last year. She wore a size 5 shoe, 18-24 month clothes, and clutched a cloth diaper that she called "blanky." It went to school every day for 6 months.
And here's a little video of Sailee on her first day last year on the way to school. Of course she did fine in saying bye, and I cried the ENTIRE way home.
Of course with this new adventure in Sailee's schooling came new germs and illnesses beyond my wildest imaginaton. I had heard the first 6 months are hard, but I had no idea. NO IDEA. To say we were sick this past year would be a wild understatement. There was one point when I really though I might die. Every other week for about 3 months, Sailee was on an antibiotic. She was sick, I was sick, Neil was sick. At the same time. All the time. I worked from home this past year and for all the years I have been in schools working closely with germy children, I have never been this crazy sick.
It was the combination of illness, working from home, working for an online school and away from students, and seeing how fast my little monkey was growing up with or without me, that brought me to the thought that I needed to step away for a bit and do something different for myself and my family. Things have a way of working out, and this past spring, Neil had the opportunity to join a firm that enabled us to consider that I might be able to stay home for a year or two. It is not something I have always dreamed of doing or given much thought to. When Sailee was born, I didn't have the urge to drop everything and spend every waking moment with her. I cherished every moment I had with her, but I also cherished every moment that I had away from her, for myself, for my job, for my students, for my beliefs, for education. When she was a baby, being away and doing my own thing made me a better mother when I came home. I was ready to focus whole and soul on her. This past year was the first that did not feel that way. Perhaps it was working for an online school where the computer is always there, day and night in front of you, with work needing to be done. Perhaps it was the lack of contact with students, face to face, heart to heart, each day that drove me to reexamine whether it was worth it. I found myself with each growing day wondering if I did not stop and step away if I would regret it later. And ultimately, I decided I would.
Leaving my job was a difficult decision, and one that I am so thankful to have made. Or rather, I am thankful for this opportunity. To spend a couple years with my nugget, before she is off on the trajectory from KG to college, I am so fortunate. I do not think I could replace this experience with any other that I may have had by working during that time.
So I have been in my new role as full-time mom for about 2 months, and I can honestly say I have never had a job which tested my patience so consistently, in which I doubted myself constantly, and which required so much brain power. Seriously. Being a teacher and a counselor came so much more naturally to me than being a mother, a caretaker, a life planner. This is HARD work. I make more lists than I can keep up with (I often make a list of my lists, and still forget). Sailee is still in part-time school, and this has enabled me to start exercising quite regularly and getting things done that are otherwise so cumbersome with her in tow. I am challenging myself in ways I never have, and I really do miss some things about work, about being really engaged in something outside myself and working toward 50 million goals at once and never having enough time to do it all. Sure, I miss the hulabaloo. I miss teaching and training, I miss being around people who inspire me daily. I miss kids. I miss that part of myself but I know there are so many years upon years where I will have those opportunities.
But this opportunity. This time, to be silly for hours, to sing songs, to cuddle more, to be the one to teach her, to dance hand in hand, to handle the tantrums, to make her meals, to read together, to learn from each other's confusions and frustrations, to put her down for a nap, to answer her million questions, to take her to ballet and tap and gymastics and story time and ice cream...To get to do this.....as often as I wish....
