The Power of No

Sailee at 9 months now has already started to test her limits. I have mentioned before that she loves to test my reaction if she tries to shut off the faucet during her bath. She also loves to see how much it might displease me if she puts her finger in her mouth while I am feeding her, only so that she can ensure a little bit of her squash puree will find its way into ever corner and crevice of the high chair, her nose, her ear, and of course, her hair. Over time, I have said "No" enough to cause her to think twice. I am amazed at this. The power to teach a child, who has come into this world equipped with only instincts to suck and grab, that she now needs to rely on me to guide her through what she should and shouldnt do...that makes my head spin. Even teaching her physical things like how to clap her hands and wave goodbye amazes me. But what really mesmerizes me is that she would even be able to understand something negative. How does she know that? How does she know that if I furrow my brow and use a different tone of voice when I utter this sound NNNNOOOO, she must stop what she is doing? So now, when she has the desire to put her finger in her mouth to explore the food in there, she looks at me and her hand moves a lot slower. When I say NO, she moves her hand away before it reaches her mouth, most of the time.

A child can learn fear, anger, and negativity easily, and without a parent's intention. To some extent children need to know those things. To some extent, it is part of their socialization and survival skills as little beings to be able to recognize that those emotions exist and can be caused by something. But what is important to internalize as parents is the notion that we can really teach our child to fear us, and teach her that her behaviors can cause our displeasure, or even anger if we are not careful. It's up to us to decide how we are going to rationally respond to each and every one of her actions and behaviors as she grows, and that is a heavy privilege that we have been bestowed. We have the ability to really shape her, because she is watching us closely, and she is imitating, and from us she is slowly day by day learning how we talk and walk and what we like dont like and how we respond to those things in our daily lives, and she will only grow more keen from these early moments forward. She is learning how to predict us. She's our little monster to create and we might do it without even realizing it! When we say NO, we have to be so careful how we say it. Too gentle, too strong, too soft, too loud, too overbearing, too sarcastic....oh my.

The other night Sailee was being especially squirrely as I was feeding her her last bottle of the night and, overstimulated, she was doing everything in her power to fight her exhaustion and fight me. Facing away from me in my lap, in an act of refusal she hit her bottle hard, and as soon as she did that I said "Heeeeyyyy" in a very disapproving tone. Although she did not even see my face, Sailee had an absolute meltdown. Just that little bit of disapproval from me, just my tone of voice, caused her to be so upset she was almost inconsolable. I felt so horrible and realized in that moment how every little one of my interactions with her really matter, and it is in these little moments that I can already see that Neil and I are shaping our separate roles. When Sailee looks at Neil, she smiles first, really big, even before he does anything, because she expects him to do something funny or silly. And so then he does. It's pretty easy to see where this is going. If he gets to be the fun one, I guess this means I get to be Mom in every sense of the word, the disciplinarian, the bad cop. I'm not quite sure how this is going to work, or that I am going to appreicate these roles over time. I need to be the fun one sometimes, but Neil is really so hard to compete with, and he's just too good at hogging the spotlight!

Some recent shots of the little scoundrel....

Sailee on her 9 month birthday - April 16, 2011

Deep in thought....not really

I can pull myself up to standing and that makes me happy!

It doesnt help that Daddy makes fun of me when I'm cranky

Love to smack Mommy and Daddy on the face!

I know how to give kisses but I cant remember to close my mouth

I can walk all over the den now holding on to anything or anyone!

Love love love bathtime!

Life just doesnt get better than this!

Sweet sweet sweet

Sailee is 8 months old now and I never imagined life could be this much fun. She is such a happy baby and unless she is hungry or tired, or in pain from teething, she just never complains. The other day we took her to a restaurant after feeding her and because we overfed her and put her right into the carseat and she overheated during the ride there, she threw up all over herself, and then just started laughing and smiling when it was all over!

These days, Sailee is on the go go go. She loves to stand and move and jump and wiggle. She will never crawl. We have just decided. She just wants to be upright like everyone else and sees no advantage to being on all fours. If I sit in front of her she will reach for my hands and use them to pull herself up to stand. She can stand unsupported if she is up against our sofa or ottoman and has recently started to slowly move along toward an object she wants...very slowly. She gets really excited about just being able to stand there, and if that gives her a more advantageous view of what Chewie is up to, even better - she squeals with delight.

She is curious curious curious and is constantly noticing and inquiring about everything around her, especially our facial expressions and reactions to things. She doesnt fuss if we take away a toy, unless she is hungry and it is satiating her temporarily (how rude of us!). She invented a sign language when she was about four months of pumping her fist next to her mouth when she was hungry. Now this has evolved into an alternating of opening and closing of the fist and an up-down motion with intertwined fingers to indicate she would like some food now please. When she is happy she says "da-da  da-da" or "ba-ba ba-ba" with little pauses in between, and when she is tired, wary, or upset she cries "mamammamamammaaa."

My favorite is that when I sing to her at night, she hums along, not to to exact tune or anything, but she hums. Like she just knows it's lullabye time. ABC's are still her favorite to fall asleep to. I imagine this will either cause her to learn her ABCs early, or never learn them at all because she will be overcome with sleep every time she hears it! When she awakes, she will lay in her crib and talk to herself, which is the cutest thing to listen to. She's a great eater, and loves absolutely every food we have made from her. So far, no real preferences except for a dislike for avocado, which I still argue was not properly mashed. She loves her bath and also loves to test my reaction if she shuts off the faucet. Naughty little gremlin!

Such a loving baby, when I walk in the room and acknowledge her she gives me a smile that makes my whole day, whole life, absolutely complete in total undescribable fulfillment. And Neil, he is her favorite and I just adore the way she adores him. Her daddy is her very own personal clown and her eyes just dance when he moves around her. And Neil just cant help himself - regardless of whether she is hungry or tired or just bored, he finds it his own personal mission to keep her laughing. And she laughs laughs laughs. She just fills our hearts. A love like this I could have never imagined. I tell her I love her every day and I cannot wait until she knows what those words mean and can say them back. Sweet sweet baby girl. I still cannot believe she is mine.

Connectedness

"You rose into my life like a promised sunrise, brightening my days with the light in your eyes. I've never been so strong. Now I'm where I belong." - Maya Angelou
I have been thinking lately about connectedness and belonging. I am mesmerized that for Sailee, whose little life has intertwined into ours, there are series of moments and memories, schemas and relationships that are slowly, piece by piece, building her sense of belonging. To a child, a sense of belonging is as integral for their well-being as food is for their bodies. While basic needs such as food water and shelter are what children need to survive, a sense of belonging and connectedness are what children need to thrive. It is nourishment for their identities. At such a little age, Sailee already knows the characters in her life that are part of the pack. As she grows, so will her network of loved ones that she will know and remember and think about in reference to herself. It is what will give her a sense of self and the confidence to go out and build her individuality, with the knowledge that regardless of who she chooses to be or what she chooses to try, she has a web of people in her life that are bonded to her and move with her, expanding or tightening that connection as she needs it.

Since Sailee is a second generation Indian born in America, my hope is also that we can teach her and allow her to absorb as much of our language and culture as we possibly can infuse in her, and that she gets to know those loved ones who are near and far as much and as soon as possible, so that she can build those connections and hold them near to her heart. Recently, we lost my dear uncle in India who is loved and remembered. Satish Kaka was loving and spirited and I mostly remember laughing and joking with him when I visited India and when he came to stay with us in Houston when I was in high school. It saddens me that Sailee never got to meet him or so many others that we lost even before she was born.

The most we can do is teach her and give meaning and life to the memories we have that she never got to have, and hope that she is as fond of our stories as we are. Our wish is that through our own recollections, pictures, and words, those connections always remain strong and live on through her from one generation to the next.

Sailee on her 7 month birthday

Mischevious little girl

Sailee with her favorite Tejas Kaka on a recent visit to Dallas

Sailee with grandma and cousin Siya



All ready for her party



With her biggest fans, the grandparents

With grandpa

With grandma

With grandpa

with grandma

With Daddy's college roomate Siddhu Kaka and her future college roomate Arya

With Uncle Brandon



Sailee sporting two ponytails



Labor of love

It is Valentine's Day, and although Neil and I have never really subscribed to the "Hallmark holiday, this year it has me thinking about the things we do for for each other in the name of love. More than ever, I really understand what women mean when they talk about childbirth and the whole experience of pregnancyand  that first year as being something men truly cannot understand. Since November of 2009, I have given my body up whole and soul for Sailee.


Breastfeeding has been the hot topic around our house for some time. Many women report having such wonderful life changing experiences with breastfeeding their babies. Such was not the case for me or many of my friends. The short version of the story is because Sailee never latched well and preferred the bottle early because of a need to supplement formula for her low birthweight, and developed a milk protein allergy, I have been pumping since her birth and am still going strong at 5 times per day. My cousin joked that we should take pictures of ourselves pumping in our offices to show our kids when they are older so they will appreciate us. The truth is, they never will. I never appreciated my mom for it, and Sailee will never appreciate me for it. Until you do it yourself for your own child, you cannot understand. The pain, the stress, the constant counting of ounces and sterilizing, never going anywhere without my pump and always cognizant that it's almost time to pump....you can really only do this out of unyielding love for your child. While I look forward to a time I wont have this exhausting routine, I am also conflicted about stopping because I really love that I can do this for Sailee, provide nourishment for her in a way that no one else can. It is a true labor of love that takes more effort and energy than I have ever invested in anything in my life.

Today, while Neil was at his evening class, I spent my Valentines trying to play cupid for Sailee and Chewie, who do love each other so much. I so badly wanted to capture this on camera that I spent about one hour trying to position them so that I could get a picture of the two of them interacting. If you have never tried to take a picture of a baby and a dog at the same time, you should, just for the sheer experience of it. Here are some attempts from tonight, and some other recent pics of the little munchkin.

A loving family

I dont think Neil and I ever really thought of ourselves as a "family" until we had Sailee. When we used the word 'family', after marriage, it always was in some reference to our parents and Tejas. Even after we brought Chewie home, we felt like parents to him, but we still felt too young and too free to call the 3 of us a family. I cannot quite articulate why. But this year when ordering our address labels for our holiday card, it felt really appropriate to say "Ozarkar Family."

I have always heard people use the phrase 'loving family' and never thought twice about it. But recently, I have noticed how much the word love is thrown around our house, and how much love I feel emanating from all of us to each other. Watching Neil become a father has been really fun. He is, in all his glory, the goofiest, most fun and adoring dad I can imagine a little girl having. And how they do adore each other. Neil can just look in Sailee's direction and with even a small glance or change in facial expression, she lights up like a Christmas tree. With me she snuggles. I am the one to cuddle her and sing her to sleep, and it's like clockwork every night. Chewie has become more attached than ever. Getting by on so much less attention, he never misses an opportunity to nestle himself as close to me as possible and I just know his heart breaks a little every time he thinks he might initiate a game or chase or tug-of-war, and then he sees me bring out a bottle of milk for Sailee. And he is ever so patient and accomodating, most days. To compensate, Neil and I surround and smother him, often simultaneously, with four-handed attacks, kisses, and squeezes as much as we possibly can. And so go our casual and crazy evenings and weekends, which I cannot get enough of.

To use the phrase "loving family" doesnt begin to describe the joy and love that want to leap out of my heart when we are together, or even when I am away. Having grown up as an only and lonely, I feel so grateful and fortunate to now be able to feel so surrounded, so needed, and so tangled up in love.

Sailee is 6 months now and is more discreet at times and more boisterous at others, depending on the audience. She is slow to warm up, and prefers to meet an outside person from afar first, observe and decide it's okay, and then chatter and command attention. She is taking on a persona so unlike and unrecognizable from the little helpless munchkin we welcomed into the world 6 very short months ago.  I look at her face and see myself, almost a reflection of my own baby pictures, which is an odd feeling having been an only child that didnt look much like any members of my family. She is quite the puppy enthusiast, always with one eye on Chewie and regardless of whether she is engrossed in a toy or crying and cranky - one glance at Chew and we are laughing and snorting and forget all our miseries.

These are some recent shots of our bundle of fun.

On New Year's Day

Getting ready for bathtime

Love our daily tubtime!

Sailee and Chewie bffs

With our new friend



Daddy's hilarious



Hook em!

Chewie love