The Brink

I knew the day Neil turned to me during an episode of Boston Legal and said, "What do you think about me going to law school?" that the next several years of my life were about to change, bigtime. After a move to Houston, one dog, one baby, and several hours of successful procrastination, we are at the end of this journey. Yet at the same time, it also feels like we are just on the brink. We havent felt settled for the past 10 years, and in getting to know these adult versions of ourselves, we have both found that as much as we would love to be settled and constant, we both love and embrace new opportunities and the excitement that comes with change and growth. This might start to explain part of our addiction to school and that good feeling that comes with spending time and energy earning a new degree that will open new doors. Hopefully we have arrived at the point where we can embrace being lifelong learners without being lifelong students.

Neil is on the brink of graduation from law school and about to start his new journey into this new career. As we dream about the near future which will hopefully include a new home, we are filled with the excitement of creating pictures in our minds of filling our spaces with memories with family and friends. Sailee is on the brink of walking, and for whatever reason, also started crawling for the first time yesterday! Mostly, she is holding on (often with just one little hand) and moving around with a speed that is pretty unreal. Any day now I feel like I could take one more breath and she will be walking and running before my very eyes. And Chewie...well he is just on the brink of reacting to our every movement.

A couple of weekends ago, for Neil's birthday, we took a quick 24-hour trip to Austin, and Neil's parents graciously came down from Dallas and babysat for us. Last weekend we took our first entire weekend away from Sailee and Chewie. My parents cared for the kids for the whole weekend and when all was said and done, it was a success! I cant say enough about the ease and comfort that comes with having the people that love you the most take care of the ones that you love the most. The grandparents are truly incredible with Sailee, and she is ever so colorful and addictive in their presence.

Delightful Sailee is lately always looking to reel us in to whatever game she can come up with, and if we dont repeat it at least 147 times, it's just not enough. She loves the game where you repeat her favortite Marathi mini-nursery rhyme over and over while she claps. And if you stop she urges with an "Unnnnhhhh" which means 'more'. She loves to give us kisses on our knees, legs, arms...whatever she can reach, which mean planting her face, tongue protruding, onto our limbs. She loves to have a burp cloth placed on her head so she can pull it off, and you're supposed to make some sort of big noise about it. She loves to be thrown up on the ottoman on her belly so she can worm her way off of it. And she loves loves loves to walk. Recently, she taught herself how to gracefully sit down from a standing position (as opposed to plopping, but there's still some of that too), and can pick up all the things she throws on the floor by bending over. Until about a week ago, bending over produced unfavorable results. She also loves to bounce. Sailee can really throw that little bottom into motion and get it moving, up and down mostly, so we're going to have to work on the side-to-side. We're impressed with how active she is and really cant wait for her to start dancing in that diaper!

Her not-so-delightful moments, which there are plenty of too, are really growing more in intensity than frequency. What used to be a whimpery cranky feel-sorry-for-me cry in times of hunger and exhaustion has evolved into more of an outright you-better-hurry-or-watch-me-show-you-how-mad-I-can-get tantrum. Her woes and worries are anything but humorous to her. She is very serious. But I just love it and laugh. As difficult as it can be sometimes to manage these moments, I think it's wonderful that she is more than happy to tell us what her needs are. Because Neil and I were both shy-go-with-the-flow-dont-bother-anyone-with-my-needs kind of kids, we really want Sailee to be confident and courageous. We want her to be more demanding than we could ever dream of being, and to be honest we cant even imagine raising such a child.

For the love of all things wiggly, giggly, silly, and squealy, we are constantly finding new ways to amuse Sailee for the sweet reward of that little baby laugh. So far these things have worked: Sticking your tongue out and retracting it quicker than she can grab it; turning her upside down; sprinkling water at her when it's not bathtime; inflating your mouth and popping it with your finger and yelling Uh-Oh!; jumping out of nowhere and making a funny noise; letting her stand up on the sofa and plop backwards on a pillow and plunging your face into her belly; or just bringing Chewie to anywhere near her grabbing vicinity (poor dog). There's too much fun in this house and I hope we just never run out of it.

I know there was a time in my not so distant past that I vividly remember being bored. While I sometimes miss the luxury of those quiet moments to myself that I could really go about doing anything I pleased, there's no part of me that really yearns for that past. I am quite certain those young and free days are behind me but am humbled by the good fortune to be so busy and crazy with my favorite little beings, making memories and savoring each moment. We are certainly on the brink of something new and this uncertainty holds some big changes and exciting new possibilites. Cant hardly wait.

From mid-March, still just 8 months old

From mid-March

I love to roll all over the den. I moved here from the sofa in about 10 seconds.

First day standing up in my crib

I'm so happy when I wake up!

Plopping backwards on a pillow. One of my favorite games!

Grandpa managing both grandaugther and granddog. Sailee wants the pen. Chewie just wants love.

What, Mom? I'm busy.

I am so big!

Look at me show off! Can you do this?

I can imitate Mommy singing too!

Happy.

And sweet.

The Power of No

Sailee at 9 months now has already started to test her limits. I have mentioned before that she loves to test my reaction if she tries to shut off the faucet during her bath. She also loves to see how much it might displease me if she puts her finger in her mouth while I am feeding her, only so that she can ensure a little bit of her squash puree will find its way into ever corner and crevice of the high chair, her nose, her ear, and of course, her hair. Over time, I have said "No" enough to cause her to think twice. I am amazed at this. The power to teach a child, who has come into this world equipped with only instincts to suck and grab, that she now needs to rely on me to guide her through what she should and shouldnt do...that makes my head spin. Even teaching her physical things like how to clap her hands and wave goodbye amazes me. But what really mesmerizes me is that she would even be able to understand something negative. How does she know that? How does she know that if I furrow my brow and use a different tone of voice when I utter this sound NNNNOOOO, she must stop what she is doing? So now, when she has the desire to put her finger in her mouth to explore the food in there, she looks at me and her hand moves a lot slower. When I say NO, she moves her hand away before it reaches her mouth, most of the time.

A child can learn fear, anger, and negativity easily, and without a parent's intention. To some extent children need to know those things. To some extent, it is part of their socialization and survival skills as little beings to be able to recognize that those emotions exist and can be caused by something. But what is important to internalize as parents is the notion that we can really teach our child to fear us, and teach her that her behaviors can cause our displeasure, or even anger if we are not careful. It's up to us to decide how we are going to rationally respond to each and every one of her actions and behaviors as she grows, and that is a heavy privilege that we have been bestowed. We have the ability to really shape her, because she is watching us closely, and she is imitating, and from us she is slowly day by day learning how we talk and walk and what we like dont like and how we respond to those things in our daily lives, and she will only grow more keen from these early moments forward. She is learning how to predict us. She's our little monster to create and we might do it without even realizing it! When we say NO, we have to be so careful how we say it. Too gentle, too strong, too soft, too loud, too overbearing, too sarcastic....oh my.

The other night Sailee was being especially squirrely as I was feeding her her last bottle of the night and, overstimulated, she was doing everything in her power to fight her exhaustion and fight me. Facing away from me in my lap, in an act of refusal she hit her bottle hard, and as soon as she did that I said "Heeeeyyyy" in a very disapproving tone. Although she did not even see my face, Sailee had an absolute meltdown. Just that little bit of disapproval from me, just my tone of voice, caused her to be so upset she was almost inconsolable. I felt so horrible and realized in that moment how every little one of my interactions with her really matter, and it is in these little moments that I can already see that Neil and I are shaping our separate roles. When Sailee looks at Neil, she smiles first, really big, even before he does anything, because she expects him to do something funny or silly. And so then he does. It's pretty easy to see where this is going. If he gets to be the fun one, I guess this means I get to be Mom in every sense of the word, the disciplinarian, the bad cop. I'm not quite sure how this is going to work, or that I am going to appreicate these roles over time. I need to be the fun one sometimes, but Neil is really so hard to compete with, and he's just too good at hogging the spotlight!

Some recent shots of the little scoundrel....

Sailee on her 9 month birthday - April 16, 2011

Deep in thought....not really

I can pull myself up to standing and that makes me happy!

It doesnt help that Daddy makes fun of me when I'm cranky

Love to smack Mommy and Daddy on the face!

I know how to give kisses but I cant remember to close my mouth

I can walk all over the den now holding on to anything or anyone!

Love love love bathtime!

Life just doesnt get better than this!

Sweet sweet sweet

Sailee is 8 months old now and I never imagined life could be this much fun. She is such a happy baby and unless she is hungry or tired, or in pain from teething, she just never complains. The other day we took her to a restaurant after feeding her and because we overfed her and put her right into the carseat and she overheated during the ride there, she threw up all over herself, and then just started laughing and smiling when it was all over!

These days, Sailee is on the go go go. She loves to stand and move and jump and wiggle. She will never crawl. We have just decided. She just wants to be upright like everyone else and sees no advantage to being on all fours. If I sit in front of her she will reach for my hands and use them to pull herself up to stand. She can stand unsupported if she is up against our sofa or ottoman and has recently started to slowly move along toward an object she wants...very slowly. She gets really excited about just being able to stand there, and if that gives her a more advantageous view of what Chewie is up to, even better - she squeals with delight.

She is curious curious curious and is constantly noticing and inquiring about everything around her, especially our facial expressions and reactions to things. She doesnt fuss if we take away a toy, unless she is hungry and it is satiating her temporarily (how rude of us!). She invented a sign language when she was about four months of pumping her fist next to her mouth when she was hungry. Now this has evolved into an alternating of opening and closing of the fist and an up-down motion with intertwined fingers to indicate she would like some food now please. When she is happy she says "da-da  da-da" or "ba-ba ba-ba" with little pauses in between, and when she is tired, wary, or upset she cries "mamammamamammaaa."

My favorite is that when I sing to her at night, she hums along, not to to exact tune or anything, but she hums. Like she just knows it's lullabye time. ABC's are still her favorite to fall asleep to. I imagine this will either cause her to learn her ABCs early, or never learn them at all because she will be overcome with sleep every time she hears it! When she awakes, she will lay in her crib and talk to herself, which is the cutest thing to listen to. She's a great eater, and loves absolutely every food we have made from her. So far, no real preferences except for a dislike for avocado, which I still argue was not properly mashed. She loves her bath and also loves to test my reaction if she shuts off the faucet. Naughty little gremlin!

Such a loving baby, when I walk in the room and acknowledge her she gives me a smile that makes my whole day, whole life, absolutely complete in total undescribable fulfillment. And Neil, he is her favorite and I just adore the way she adores him. Her daddy is her very own personal clown and her eyes just dance when he moves around her. And Neil just cant help himself - regardless of whether she is hungry or tired or just bored, he finds it his own personal mission to keep her laughing. And she laughs laughs laughs. She just fills our hearts. A love like this I could have never imagined. I tell her I love her every day and I cannot wait until she knows what those words mean and can say them back. Sweet sweet baby girl. I still cannot believe she is mine.

Connectedness

"You rose into my life like a promised sunrise, brightening my days with the light in your eyes. I've never been so strong. Now I'm where I belong." - Maya Angelou
I have been thinking lately about connectedness and belonging. I am mesmerized that for Sailee, whose little life has intertwined into ours, there are series of moments and memories, schemas and relationships that are slowly, piece by piece, building her sense of belonging. To a child, a sense of belonging is as integral for their well-being as food is for their bodies. While basic needs such as food water and shelter are what children need to survive, a sense of belonging and connectedness are what children need to thrive. It is nourishment for their identities. At such a little age, Sailee already knows the characters in her life that are part of the pack. As she grows, so will her network of loved ones that she will know and remember and think about in reference to herself. It is what will give her a sense of self and the confidence to go out and build her individuality, with the knowledge that regardless of who she chooses to be or what she chooses to try, she has a web of people in her life that are bonded to her and move with her, expanding or tightening that connection as she needs it.

Since Sailee is a second generation Indian born in America, my hope is also that we can teach her and allow her to absorb as much of our language and culture as we possibly can infuse in her, and that she gets to know those loved ones who are near and far as much and as soon as possible, so that she can build those connections and hold them near to her heart. Recently, we lost my dear uncle in India who is loved and remembered. Satish Kaka was loving and spirited and I mostly remember laughing and joking with him when I visited India and when he came to stay with us in Houston when I was in high school. It saddens me that Sailee never got to meet him or so many others that we lost even before she was born.

The most we can do is teach her and give meaning and life to the memories we have that she never got to have, and hope that she is as fond of our stories as we are. Our wish is that through our own recollections, pictures, and words, those connections always remain strong and live on through her from one generation to the next.

Sailee on her 7 month birthday

Mischevious little girl

Sailee with her favorite Tejas Kaka on a recent visit to Dallas

Sailee with grandma and cousin Siya



All ready for her party



With her biggest fans, the grandparents

With grandpa

With grandma

With grandpa

with grandma

With Daddy's college roomate Siddhu Kaka and her future college roomate Arya

With Uncle Brandon



Sailee sporting two ponytails



Labor of love

It is Valentine's Day, and although Neil and I have never really subscribed to the "Hallmark holiday, this year it has me thinking about the things we do for for each other in the name of love. More than ever, I really understand what women mean when they talk about childbirth and the whole experience of pregnancyand  that first year as being something men truly cannot understand. Since November of 2009, I have given my body up whole and soul for Sailee.


Breastfeeding has been the hot topic around our house for some time. Many women report having such wonderful life changing experiences with breastfeeding their babies. Such was not the case for me or many of my friends. The short version of the story is because Sailee never latched well and preferred the bottle early because of a need to supplement formula for her low birthweight, and developed a milk protein allergy, I have been pumping since her birth and am still going strong at 5 times per day. My cousin joked that we should take pictures of ourselves pumping in our offices to show our kids when they are older so they will appreciate us. The truth is, they never will. I never appreciated my mom for it, and Sailee will never appreciate me for it. Until you do it yourself for your own child, you cannot understand. The pain, the stress, the constant counting of ounces and sterilizing, never going anywhere without my pump and always cognizant that it's almost time to pump....you can really only do this out of unyielding love for your child. While I look forward to a time I wont have this exhausting routine, I am also conflicted about stopping because I really love that I can do this for Sailee, provide nourishment for her in a way that no one else can. It is a true labor of love that takes more effort and energy than I have ever invested in anything in my life.

Today, while Neil was at his evening class, I spent my Valentines trying to play cupid for Sailee and Chewie, who do love each other so much. I so badly wanted to capture this on camera that I spent about one hour trying to position them so that I could get a picture of the two of them interacting. If you have never tried to take a picture of a baby and a dog at the same time, you should, just for the sheer experience of it. Here are some attempts from tonight, and some other recent pics of the little munchkin.