Best year of our lives

You are one year old, Sailee Amiya Ozarkar. This time last year we spent the last month leading up to your birth saying your name out loud to each other just to feel it roll off our tongues. This time last year we couldn't visualize your little face or hear your little cry. On this day last year we woke up and couldn't possibly prepare ourselves for the immense gift that the day would bring.

On the day of your birth you came into the world at 2:58 pm. I first heard your itty bitty voice cry out and I cried tears of joy, and Daddy did too. You were so tiny - 5 pounds and 18.5 inches. You fit in perfectly in Daddy's forearm. I knew then that I would never forget that first moment I saw your sweet little face and heard your perfect little voice. One day I will tell you the whole story of that first day and the days that followed that we lived in a protected cocoon with you as we took in every precious moment and watched every amazing breath you took. Those favorite first memories of the three of us will always remain vivid and I cant wait to share them with you.

In one full rotation of the earth around the sun you have blossomed, my flower, into your own individual tiny persona with a self-efficacy that is beyond comprehension. Today you are my rambunctious toddler-to-be. You have spunk and spirit and from one moment to the next I cant wait to see your new discovery. You are curious and creative and come up with new ways to entertain yourself. You look to me to validate your sense of humor - when you think something is funny you laugh and look at me to see if I am laughing too. You bend and roll and wiggle and crawl and walk and poke and pull. You love music and rock to every tune, even the commercials. You love being outside and you love baths. Both have a calming effect on you and I use both to my advantage! You mastered the pincer grasp by the time you were 7 months and you feed yourself with pride. You use those fingers to pull every pin out of your hair. Natural is your preference. You have used sign language that you invented on your own to indicate that you want something or that you are hungry. You can climb stairs and know nothing of the consequences.You are walking on your own about 10-12 steps now and either get wobbly and fall or find something else to grab. You can turn and redirect yourself at your destination of choice, and each step brings more excitement to your face and you seem to know what an achievement this is! You think nothing of falling, you are fearless and determined.

You are exuberant and social and sweet after about 30 minutes. You have a warm up period that our friends have come to know and respect. Some days you have really strong likes and dislikes. If you dont want to do something you will turn your shoulder swiftly and make your statement with a little baby grunt. Some days the hair tells the whole story, if it is going to be a good or bad day. Your hair is insane in the mornings and we love it. You can say mama and dada and are super bouncy and overjoyed in the morning when we come to retrieve you. If we take our time, you usually play by yourself in your crib. You give us kisses on our faces, legs, and toes. You kiss any picture that has a resemblance of us or yourself. You can point to yourself if we ask you where is Sailee. You can point us out in a picture if we ask you where is Mommy, Daddy, and Chewie. You kiss yourself in the mirror. You are loving and attached, and you want our proximity so you can climb on for a good hug and squeeze and then go back to playing. You love to be held.

The day you came to this world you made us a family. The first day of your life we spent in complete and total awe and gratefulness and couldnt believe that you were truly ours. You were the greatest gift we could ever receive. Enchanted in your every breath and twitch I spent countless hours watching you, tracing your perfect little ear, dreaming of your future, and praying for you. I love you beyond measure, and a life without you I cannot imagine. Everything we do, every day, is a function of you. I hope that I always remember this first year with clarity - this wonderful year of change and growth in which we were fully intertwined in each other. I know there will be a day, too soon, when you wont need my proximity, the warmth of my arms around you, the sound of my voice to get you through the day. As our family grows so will my admiration for the person you become. As I look to your future I cannot yet form pictures, but I can promise you that you will always have our love and devotion in every hour of every day.

Happy birthday my sweet shining soulful spunky strong spirted Sailee. We love you love you love you dear girl.




Birthday girl!



The morning hair tells it all

Almost got Chewie's tail!

A rare still moment

Always up to something

We love our mirror



Trying to figure out which book to choose...to pull out of the bookcase first



First mango self-feeding...Indian baby for sure!

More videos to follow in the next blog!

Our 7th

It was about this time I think that the dancing started. Seven entire years ago we celebrated our marriage to one another. Seven years seems like so long, but I look back at us then and know that we were such different people than we are today, and it is humbling to know how we've grown as individuals and as life partners.

It was a terrific day. It was a day that I remember feeling relaxed and happy and enjoyed every minute of it. We danced our first dance and talked about how we wondered what the people watching us thought we were talking to each other about. And we laughed at the irony.

Today I find in you a husband that is sweet and charming and silly and thought-provoking and nonsensical and witty and creative and challenge-seeking and loving and logical. You lift me up and you push me to the limits. You encourage and you believe in me in ways I dont believe in myself. In your spirit I find a way of looking at the world that is accepting and tolerant and unassuming, and you live your life more as an example of what I preach than I actually do.

You are an incredible father to Sailee and in you I find the confidence to know that we will figure it out, one day at a time. We started down this road equipped with not much more than a few books on parenting and the love we knew we had within us to give whole and soul to this child. We were scared, but we took turns leading and you reminded me that this was the time to let go and let life happen and embrace the imperfections. Some days are better than others, some days are tiresome and frustrating and some days I grit my teeth and some days I lose sight of what is important. And you do too. And that is all part of the package. We are imperfect and we are learners and I love discovering with you in this new journey.

As we grow throughout the years I know that we will  move and change and find new configurations for our roles and how we see each other through our own eyes and through Sailee's. I am humbled by the divine grace that led me through the moments of my life and to you and that allows us the fortune of living this life with each other. Today I thank you for seven sweet years of marriage. And I wouldn't change a single moment.

 

Bundle-o-fun

Neil graduated a month ago on May 14th, and I cant say enough how proud I am of him for making this change in his life...and in ours. He put his mind to it and did it and I am so grateful. We had a fun time graduation weekend, and the cutest part was that during the opening speeches when all was quiet, Sailee screamed "Da-Daaaaaaa." We had a great time yelling out Neil's name, bribing the folks sitting next to us by offering to scream their person's name if they would help us scream for ours. We carried out all the traditions - repeated waving at Neil and overenthusiastic gasps if he looked our way, you know all the stuff you're supposed to do at graduation as if you may never see the person again. I did my part to take Sailee down the steps when Neil walked across and down near us so she could be part of the action. A good time was had by all, and a great nap was had by Sailee.

All dolled up and ready to party!

Daddy and Sailee right before he took off for graduation

This picture was harder

Neil, his parents, and Tejas

Neil and my parents

Neil and friend Ryan

Sailee missing all the fun

Neil and friend David

Our little family, minus the Chewdog

Daddy and daughter on a proud day

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It's pretty easy to see these days that Sailee is becoming her own person. At 11 months old today, she clearly has an idea of what she likes, dislikes, and wants to or doesnt want to do at any given moment. her cutest move is this grunt/shrug that she does when she doesnt want to do something. I wish I had a video of it. Still there are moments where she feels clingy, lots of them, and wants to be right between my legs, holding on to each one like a pillar of safety and comfort. She crawls everywhere and anywhere she wants to, and she is fast! This is a newer development to walking since she started cruising and walking first. One of our very favorite activities is to let her stand between us and practice walking a few steps before she plunges her body into our arms and we make a lot of hurrah about it and she laughs and squeals and turns around to do it again. This image resembles many of the fuzzy pictures I created when I imagined what having a baby was like.

Looking back to a year ago, I was pregnant with Sailee with only 3 weeks to go, hot and uncomfortable, and still in a little denial that it was really happening. By this day last year, on the last day of work, I had been pulled over twice in one week right in front of my school for expired inspection and registration. And despite the pregnant belly and the explanation of my out-of-town husband and the uncontrollable sobbing, neither officer cared, either time. I was tired of being pregnant and alone except with Chewie by my side. Neil was in Charlotte, NC on his internship, and we had no idea what the future would hold. It is amazing the clarity that comes with passing time. One minute my biggest problem is that life is hectic and I just got two tickets in a week....then a few days down the road I have a newborn in my arms. One minute you cant piece together what things will come, what events will transpire, what the tangible reality will actually feel like once you have it. And soon enough, piece by piece, it all comes together and you start to understand what everyone has been saying...we have slowed the pace since Sailee was born and just take it one hour at a time. This is what becoming a mother has been like, and I am loving the journey.

Every day I wish I had more time with Sailee. Not a day goes by that I dont lament my time away from her and dream that I could just be with her all day long. When she sleeps, I count my blessings, but I miss her and look forward to when she will awake so we can laugh and play. Lately some of her favorite things to do are: Feed herself Rice Krispies in her highchair, and more recently, I let her feed them to me, and when I crunch she laughs and claps (well we both do); place the plastic rings on the tower and clap after each one; bang her hands on any surface that will make noise, and clap. We do a lot of clapping. And I am her cheerleader. In another month she will be a full year old, and I will surely be in denial about it. Til then, I am going to enjoy this crazy summer.

Sailee with all three "books" - we did not stage this

Just crazy

After bath, dressed up to go out!

Unsure about the tiles

After bathtime, before the nightly meltdown

Always on the go, so hard to trap for a good hug

Tickle tickle!

The Brink

I knew the day Neil turned to me during an episode of Boston Legal and said, "What do you think about me going to law school?" that the next several years of my life were about to change, bigtime. After a move to Houston, one dog, one baby, and several hours of successful procrastination, we are at the end of this journey. Yet at the same time, it also feels like we are just on the brink. We havent felt settled for the past 10 years, and in getting to know these adult versions of ourselves, we have both found that as much as we would love to be settled and constant, we both love and embrace new opportunities and the excitement that comes with change and growth. This might start to explain part of our addiction to school and that good feeling that comes with spending time and energy earning a new degree that will open new doors. Hopefully we have arrived at the point where we can embrace being lifelong learners without being lifelong students.

Neil is on the brink of graduation from law school and about to start his new journey into this new career. As we dream about the near future which will hopefully include a new home, we are filled with the excitement of creating pictures in our minds of filling our spaces with memories with family and friends. Sailee is on the brink of walking, and for whatever reason, also started crawling for the first time yesterday! Mostly, she is holding on (often with just one little hand) and moving around with a speed that is pretty unreal. Any day now I feel like I could take one more breath and she will be walking and running before my very eyes. And Chewie...well he is just on the brink of reacting to our every movement.

A couple of weekends ago, for Neil's birthday, we took a quick 24-hour trip to Austin, and Neil's parents graciously came down from Dallas and babysat for us. Last weekend we took our first entire weekend away from Sailee and Chewie. My parents cared for the kids for the whole weekend and when all was said and done, it was a success! I cant say enough about the ease and comfort that comes with having the people that love you the most take care of the ones that you love the most. The grandparents are truly incredible with Sailee, and she is ever so colorful and addictive in their presence.

Delightful Sailee is lately always looking to reel us in to whatever game she can come up with, and if we dont repeat it at least 147 times, it's just not enough. She loves the game where you repeat her favortite Marathi mini-nursery rhyme over and over while she claps. And if you stop she urges with an "Unnnnhhhh" which means 'more'. She loves to give us kisses on our knees, legs, arms...whatever she can reach, which mean planting her face, tongue protruding, onto our limbs. She loves to have a burp cloth placed on her head so she can pull it off, and you're supposed to make some sort of big noise about it. She loves to be thrown up on the ottoman on her belly so she can worm her way off of it. And she loves loves loves to walk. Recently, she taught herself how to gracefully sit down from a standing position (as opposed to plopping, but there's still some of that too), and can pick up all the things she throws on the floor by bending over. Until about a week ago, bending over produced unfavorable results. She also loves to bounce. Sailee can really throw that little bottom into motion and get it moving, up and down mostly, so we're going to have to work on the side-to-side. We're impressed with how active she is and really cant wait for her to start dancing in that diaper!

Her not-so-delightful moments, which there are plenty of too, are really growing more in intensity than frequency. What used to be a whimpery cranky feel-sorry-for-me cry in times of hunger and exhaustion has evolved into more of an outright you-better-hurry-or-watch-me-show-you-how-mad-I-can-get tantrum. Her woes and worries are anything but humorous to her. She is very serious. But I just love it and laugh. As difficult as it can be sometimes to manage these moments, I think it's wonderful that she is more than happy to tell us what her needs are. Because Neil and I were both shy-go-with-the-flow-dont-bother-anyone-with-my-needs kind of kids, we really want Sailee to be confident and courageous. We want her to be more demanding than we could ever dream of being, and to be honest we cant even imagine raising such a child.

For the love of all things wiggly, giggly, silly, and squealy, we are constantly finding new ways to amuse Sailee for the sweet reward of that little baby laugh. So far these things have worked: Sticking your tongue out and retracting it quicker than she can grab it; turning her upside down; sprinkling water at her when it's not bathtime; inflating your mouth and popping it with your finger and yelling Uh-Oh!; jumping out of nowhere and making a funny noise; letting her stand up on the sofa and plop backwards on a pillow and plunging your face into her belly; or just bringing Chewie to anywhere near her grabbing vicinity (poor dog). There's too much fun in this house and I hope we just never run out of it.

I know there was a time in my not so distant past that I vividly remember being bored. While I sometimes miss the luxury of those quiet moments to myself that I could really go about doing anything I pleased, there's no part of me that really yearns for that past. I am quite certain those young and free days are behind me but am humbled by the good fortune to be so busy and crazy with my favorite little beings, making memories and savoring each moment. We are certainly on the brink of something new and this uncertainty holds some big changes and exciting new possibilites. Cant hardly wait.

From mid-March, still just 8 months old

From mid-March

I love to roll all over the den. I moved here from the sofa in about 10 seconds.

First day standing up in my crib

I'm so happy when I wake up!

Plopping backwards on a pillow. One of my favorite games!

Grandpa managing both grandaugther and granddog. Sailee wants the pen. Chewie just wants love.

What, Mom? I'm busy.

I am so big!

Look at me show off! Can you do this?

I can imitate Mommy singing too!

Happy.

And sweet.

The Power of No

Sailee at 9 months now has already started to test her limits. I have mentioned before that she loves to test my reaction if she tries to shut off the faucet during her bath. She also loves to see how much it might displease me if she puts her finger in her mouth while I am feeding her, only so that she can ensure a little bit of her squash puree will find its way into ever corner and crevice of the high chair, her nose, her ear, and of course, her hair. Over time, I have said "No" enough to cause her to think twice. I am amazed at this. The power to teach a child, who has come into this world equipped with only instincts to suck and grab, that she now needs to rely on me to guide her through what she should and shouldnt do...that makes my head spin. Even teaching her physical things like how to clap her hands and wave goodbye amazes me. But what really mesmerizes me is that she would even be able to understand something negative. How does she know that? How does she know that if I furrow my brow and use a different tone of voice when I utter this sound NNNNOOOO, she must stop what she is doing? So now, when she has the desire to put her finger in her mouth to explore the food in there, she looks at me and her hand moves a lot slower. When I say NO, she moves her hand away before it reaches her mouth, most of the time.

A child can learn fear, anger, and negativity easily, and without a parent's intention. To some extent children need to know those things. To some extent, it is part of their socialization and survival skills as little beings to be able to recognize that those emotions exist and can be caused by something. But what is important to internalize as parents is the notion that we can really teach our child to fear us, and teach her that her behaviors can cause our displeasure, or even anger if we are not careful. It's up to us to decide how we are going to rationally respond to each and every one of her actions and behaviors as she grows, and that is a heavy privilege that we have been bestowed. We have the ability to really shape her, because she is watching us closely, and she is imitating, and from us she is slowly day by day learning how we talk and walk and what we like dont like and how we respond to those things in our daily lives, and she will only grow more keen from these early moments forward. She is learning how to predict us. She's our little monster to create and we might do it without even realizing it! When we say NO, we have to be so careful how we say it. Too gentle, too strong, too soft, too loud, too overbearing, too sarcastic....oh my.

The other night Sailee was being especially squirrely as I was feeding her her last bottle of the night and, overstimulated, she was doing everything in her power to fight her exhaustion and fight me. Facing away from me in my lap, in an act of refusal she hit her bottle hard, and as soon as she did that I said "Heeeeyyyy" in a very disapproving tone. Although she did not even see my face, Sailee had an absolute meltdown. Just that little bit of disapproval from me, just my tone of voice, caused her to be so upset she was almost inconsolable. I felt so horrible and realized in that moment how every little one of my interactions with her really matter, and it is in these little moments that I can already see that Neil and I are shaping our separate roles. When Sailee looks at Neil, she smiles first, really big, even before he does anything, because she expects him to do something funny or silly. And so then he does. It's pretty easy to see where this is going. If he gets to be the fun one, I guess this means I get to be Mom in every sense of the word, the disciplinarian, the bad cop. I'm not quite sure how this is going to work, or that I am going to appreicate these roles over time. I need to be the fun one sometimes, but Neil is really so hard to compete with, and he's just too good at hogging the spotlight!

Some recent shots of the little scoundrel....

Sailee on her 9 month birthday - April 16, 2011

Deep in thought....not really

I can pull myself up to standing and that makes me happy!

It doesnt help that Daddy makes fun of me when I'm cranky

Love to smack Mommy and Daddy on the face!

I know how to give kisses but I cant remember to close my mouth

I can walk all over the den now holding on to anything or anyone!

Love love love bathtime!

Life just doesnt get better than this!