Just for a second

It was a sweltering summer here in Houston, but the heat just didnt stop Sailee and we are all officially on the go! It's been a little over a month since Neil and I both began new jobs and started a new schedule with Sailee. Thanks to my mom's incredible generosity, Sailee spends the day basking in her grandmother's undivided attention and her evenings smothered in ours. It's been a hectic month  for us...the words "survival mode" come to mind. Still, as much as we are trying to get used to early mornings, commutes, long days, hectic evenings, and less sleep, and at the end of the day we look at each other and wonder where the time went and if dinner is even worth the trouble, we want more than anything for Sailee to feel stable and like the world still completely revolves around her.

The summer ended with Neil's completion of his bar exam, Sailee's first haircut, a fabulous birthday party for Miss 1, who was surrounded by all her closest admirers, followed by an emergency appendectomy for me! We have had a huge learning curve in terms of being two working parents, and for me, there is the constant fluctuation between the very palpable guilt of working full-time to dreaming of being the perfect stay at home mom (the expert time manager whose floors are always clean and whose dinner is always on the table). While I dont think I am cut for the latter, somewhere in between might be nice, but I havent found that yet. And so I compensate by giving Sailee more attention and forced hugs and kisses than she can even bear (and I am thankful that she is still small enough for me to pin down). And so does the conversation cascade between us of how we will shape and design our future and Sailee's childhood. The wheres and whens and hows weave the fabric of our every day conversation as we wonder how the decisions we make today will or won't shape the family we want to be and the person she will become.

Sailee at 14 months is everywhere and in everything, and she has an agenda and she is determined to stick to it. Dare you get in her way and you will feel the wrath of this toddler with a furrowed brow. She pulls off the electrical outlet covers, she grabs knives out of the dishwasher, and she runs and falls on purpose so she can roll over and yell out Uh-OH!! If we say "NO" to her, she will bat her eyes slowly and look down for just a second, and if we're really mad she may even lay down and look up with puppy dog eyes, and then test us by smiling and giggling to see if we are over it yet. She is creative and funny and quite the miniature entertainer. Sweet she is, but not so much the no-fuss little gal I imagined her to be when she was a wee 6 month old. Thankfully, we are not yet to the stage where she cannot sit still in public for a good chunk of time. I know that day is coming....soon. She is energetic beyond belief and loves physical activity. Her hair is always a mess despite my constant effort to keep little bows and pins in her hair. She is defiant against them and we just cant do much beyond the Pebbles updo or on a good day, Pippy Longstocking. She kisses my toes and knees, and forces herself on Chewie for kisses. She makes games of running away and back around to me to bury her face in my lap, just for a second, only to run away again. But cuddle she does not, and when I force a cuddle she pushes me away with her fists strong against my chest....already??? She calls Chewie "Haannaah" and pretty much everything else is "Mama" or "Bama."

Today, I am one year older, and I just feel like time is sliding past me like a conveyor belt that I cant get on. It has been 2 months since I last wrote, and I cannot account for the lost time! It seems Sailee was 1 year old just for a second, and she's off to toddlerhood. Every day I look at her and every time she giggles at some silly face Neil makes I think to myself that too soon, she will roll her eyes at us and be embarrassed of her nerdy parents. Just for a second, she will follow me around and care for what I say and do, and one fleeting second later, she will be carving her own path. Every day, just for a second, I look at her and still wonder how it's possible that she is really my daughter. And I am so grateful...just for a second....and then we're off!

Here are just a few photos from Sailee's first haircut and birthday party.

Sailee's hair - PRE Haircut!

First haircut before our first birthday

Best year of our lives

You are one year old, Sailee Amiya Ozarkar. This time last year we spent the last month leading up to your birth saying your name out loud to each other just to feel it roll off our tongues. This time last year we couldn't visualize your little face or hear your little cry. On this day last year we woke up and couldn't possibly prepare ourselves for the immense gift that the day would bring.

On the day of your birth you came into the world at 2:58 pm. I first heard your itty bitty voice cry out and I cried tears of joy, and Daddy did too. You were so tiny - 5 pounds and 18.5 inches. You fit in perfectly in Daddy's forearm. I knew then that I would never forget that first moment I saw your sweet little face and heard your perfect little voice. One day I will tell you the whole story of that first day and the days that followed that we lived in a protected cocoon with you as we took in every precious moment and watched every amazing breath you took. Those favorite first memories of the three of us will always remain vivid and I cant wait to share them with you.

In one full rotation of the earth around the sun you have blossomed, my flower, into your own individual tiny persona with a self-efficacy that is beyond comprehension. Today you are my rambunctious toddler-to-be. You have spunk and spirit and from one moment to the next I cant wait to see your new discovery. You are curious and creative and come up with new ways to entertain yourself. You look to me to validate your sense of humor - when you think something is funny you laugh and look at me to see if I am laughing too. You bend and roll and wiggle and crawl and walk and poke and pull. You love music and rock to every tune, even the commercials. You love being outside and you love baths. Both have a calming effect on you and I use both to my advantage! You mastered the pincer grasp by the time you were 7 months and you feed yourself with pride. You use those fingers to pull every pin out of your hair. Natural is your preference. You have used sign language that you invented on your own to indicate that you want something or that you are hungry. You can climb stairs and know nothing of the consequences.You are walking on your own about 10-12 steps now and either get wobbly and fall or find something else to grab. You can turn and redirect yourself at your destination of choice, and each step brings more excitement to your face and you seem to know what an achievement this is! You think nothing of falling, you are fearless and determined.

You are exuberant and social and sweet after about 30 minutes. You have a warm up period that our friends have come to know and respect. Some days you have really strong likes and dislikes. If you dont want to do something you will turn your shoulder swiftly and make your statement with a little baby grunt. Some days the hair tells the whole story, if it is going to be a good or bad day. Your hair is insane in the mornings and we love it. You can say mama and dada and are super bouncy and overjoyed in the morning when we come to retrieve you. If we take our time, you usually play by yourself in your crib. You give us kisses on our faces, legs, and toes. You kiss any picture that has a resemblance of us or yourself. You can point to yourself if we ask you where is Sailee. You can point us out in a picture if we ask you where is Mommy, Daddy, and Chewie. You kiss yourself in the mirror. You are loving and attached, and you want our proximity so you can climb on for a good hug and squeeze and then go back to playing. You love to be held.

The day you came to this world you made us a family. The first day of your life we spent in complete and total awe and gratefulness and couldnt believe that you were truly ours. You were the greatest gift we could ever receive. Enchanted in your every breath and twitch I spent countless hours watching you, tracing your perfect little ear, dreaming of your future, and praying for you. I love you beyond measure, and a life without you I cannot imagine. Everything we do, every day, is a function of you. I hope that I always remember this first year with clarity - this wonderful year of change and growth in which we were fully intertwined in each other. I know there will be a day, too soon, when you wont need my proximity, the warmth of my arms around you, the sound of my voice to get you through the day. As our family grows so will my admiration for the person you become. As I look to your future I cannot yet form pictures, but I can promise you that you will always have our love and devotion in every hour of every day.

Happy birthday my sweet shining soulful spunky strong spirted Sailee. We love you love you love you dear girl.




Birthday girl!



The morning hair tells it all

Almost got Chewie's tail!

A rare still moment

Always up to something

We love our mirror



Trying to figure out which book to choose...to pull out of the bookcase first



First mango self-feeding...Indian baby for sure!

More videos to follow in the next blog!

Our 7th

It was about this time I think that the dancing started. Seven entire years ago we celebrated our marriage to one another. Seven years seems like so long, but I look back at us then and know that we were such different people than we are today, and it is humbling to know how we've grown as individuals and as life partners.

It was a terrific day. It was a day that I remember feeling relaxed and happy and enjoyed every minute of it. We danced our first dance and talked about how we wondered what the people watching us thought we were talking to each other about. And we laughed at the irony.

Today I find in you a husband that is sweet and charming and silly and thought-provoking and nonsensical and witty and creative and challenge-seeking and loving and logical. You lift me up and you push me to the limits. You encourage and you believe in me in ways I dont believe in myself. In your spirit I find a way of looking at the world that is accepting and tolerant and unassuming, and you live your life more as an example of what I preach than I actually do.

You are an incredible father to Sailee and in you I find the confidence to know that we will figure it out, one day at a time. We started down this road equipped with not much more than a few books on parenting and the love we knew we had within us to give whole and soul to this child. We were scared, but we took turns leading and you reminded me that this was the time to let go and let life happen and embrace the imperfections. Some days are better than others, some days are tiresome and frustrating and some days I grit my teeth and some days I lose sight of what is important. And you do too. And that is all part of the package. We are imperfect and we are learners and I love discovering with you in this new journey.

As we grow throughout the years I know that we will  move and change and find new configurations for our roles and how we see each other through our own eyes and through Sailee's. I am humbled by the divine grace that led me through the moments of my life and to you and that allows us the fortune of living this life with each other. Today I thank you for seven sweet years of marriage. And I wouldn't change a single moment.

 

Bundle-o-fun

Neil graduated a month ago on May 14th, and I cant say enough how proud I am of him for making this change in his life...and in ours. He put his mind to it and did it and I am so grateful. We had a fun time graduation weekend, and the cutest part was that during the opening speeches when all was quiet, Sailee screamed "Da-Daaaaaaa." We had a great time yelling out Neil's name, bribing the folks sitting next to us by offering to scream their person's name if they would help us scream for ours. We carried out all the traditions - repeated waving at Neil and overenthusiastic gasps if he looked our way, you know all the stuff you're supposed to do at graduation as if you may never see the person again. I did my part to take Sailee down the steps when Neil walked across and down near us so she could be part of the action. A good time was had by all, and a great nap was had by Sailee.

All dolled up and ready to party!

Daddy and Sailee right before he took off for graduation

This picture was harder

Neil, his parents, and Tejas

Neil and my parents

Neil and friend Ryan

Sailee missing all the fun

Neil and friend David

Our little family, minus the Chewdog

Daddy and daughter on a proud day

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It's pretty easy to see these days that Sailee is becoming her own person. At 11 months old today, she clearly has an idea of what she likes, dislikes, and wants to or doesnt want to do at any given moment. her cutest move is this grunt/shrug that she does when she doesnt want to do something. I wish I had a video of it. Still there are moments where she feels clingy, lots of them, and wants to be right between my legs, holding on to each one like a pillar of safety and comfort. She crawls everywhere and anywhere she wants to, and she is fast! This is a newer development to walking since she started cruising and walking first. One of our very favorite activities is to let her stand between us and practice walking a few steps before she plunges her body into our arms and we make a lot of hurrah about it and she laughs and squeals and turns around to do it again. This image resembles many of the fuzzy pictures I created when I imagined what having a baby was like.

Looking back to a year ago, I was pregnant with Sailee with only 3 weeks to go, hot and uncomfortable, and still in a little denial that it was really happening. By this day last year, on the last day of work, I had been pulled over twice in one week right in front of my school for expired inspection and registration. And despite the pregnant belly and the explanation of my out-of-town husband and the uncontrollable sobbing, neither officer cared, either time. I was tired of being pregnant and alone except with Chewie by my side. Neil was in Charlotte, NC on his internship, and we had no idea what the future would hold. It is amazing the clarity that comes with passing time. One minute my biggest problem is that life is hectic and I just got two tickets in a week....then a few days down the road I have a newborn in my arms. One minute you cant piece together what things will come, what events will transpire, what the tangible reality will actually feel like once you have it. And soon enough, piece by piece, it all comes together and you start to understand what everyone has been saying...we have slowed the pace since Sailee was born and just take it one hour at a time. This is what becoming a mother has been like, and I am loving the journey.

Every day I wish I had more time with Sailee. Not a day goes by that I dont lament my time away from her and dream that I could just be with her all day long. When she sleeps, I count my blessings, but I miss her and look forward to when she will awake so we can laugh and play. Lately some of her favorite things to do are: Feed herself Rice Krispies in her highchair, and more recently, I let her feed them to me, and when I crunch she laughs and claps (well we both do); place the plastic rings on the tower and clap after each one; bang her hands on any surface that will make noise, and clap. We do a lot of clapping. And I am her cheerleader. In another month she will be a full year old, and I will surely be in denial about it. Til then, I am going to enjoy this crazy summer.

Sailee with all three "books" - we did not stage this

Just crazy

After bath, dressed up to go out!

Unsure about the tiles

After bathtime, before the nightly meltdown

Always on the go, so hard to trap for a good hug

Tickle tickle!